gray skied morning.

Farewell! Thou art too dear for my possessing

2010-07-08T21:32:00.007+08:00

Farewell! Thou art too dear for my possessing,
And like enough thou know'st thy estimate,
The charter of thy worth gives thee releasing;
My bonds in thee are all determinate.
For how do I hold thee but by thy granting,
And for that riches where is my deserving?
The cause of this fair gift in me is wanting,
And so my patent back again is swerving.
Thyself thou gav'st, thy own worth then not knowing,
Or me, to whom thou gav'st it, else mistaking;
So thy great gift upon misprision growing,
Comes home again, on better judgement making.
Thus have I had thee as a dream doth flatter,
In sleep a king, but waking no such matter.

happy birthday ng liting.

at the age of 21, i'm glad to say that i've manage to pass my birthday the way i want to.

nothing forced on me,

no fake smiles, no tiring parties during which i dont know where to place my hands..

i think not being peer pressured and forced by societal rules into a typical 21st is a small mark of my growth into an adult. no compromising. i like.

and since i fancy myself a lit student, a sonnet by our favourite mr shakespeare to end it all.

read it carefully, im not sure how much i understand of it but its a good poem.
i have had such good times with you and you are precious to me. lets keep it this way before disintegration takes place. you shall remain a king in my dreams, and lets never wake over in this world.

farewell withoutwax! thou art too dear for my possessing indeed.

new website here!

2010-07-07T01:28:00.005+08:00

i have decided to move to lj.
eh shawna its not difficult to use, the same as blogs.
i don't like how abandoned withoutwax feels.. altho its sad. everything is over here. but its not gone... its just. here. そのままで。でっしょ？
like what ah xin said,
有些人變成相片　堆在角落　灰塵像雪一般冰凍
ok my blog is not a person. but thats how i feel about you..
making use of personification here thanks :)
you were just always there. yes i've abandoned you time and time again but being inanimate you never complained and never left me (well lets ignore its inability to).
and now you will remain there and once again watch me depart.
i know in years to come i will revisit you relive my life through all your words.
so please don't go?

your words are essentially mine and therefore you are a part of me.
how much time have i spent staring at my screen thinking of how to phrase the words?
how many times have something happened to me and i will think 'ah i must blog abt it!'
how much joy have you brought me? all those times when i laughed rereading some posts..
i remember there was once matong and i were rereading our posts and copy pasting them to each other, going omgggg do you rmb this!!! and we got all excited..
how many times have i sobbed while typing my posts?
and then returned to sob anew while rereading the posts?
when i felt angry and uncertain, i could only come to you. because i was afraid of how the world would judge me. only after i have arranged my thoughts did i dare to tell someone who could actually talk back.
you have seen me at my most hesitant state, more so than any of my friends. how many drafts do i have saved up inside you? without having published them, oddly, you manage to make me feel better simply by allowing me a space to type it all down.
thank you.

you have irrefutably become a documenter of my memories and not just that, but also a memory in itself. because you're not just a journal anymore you know. not merely a place where i write stuff. how do i say this.... lets just say you've gotten yourself quite a good place in my heart. so wait for me won't you? i know this is not our last together :)
tomorrow is my birthday.
ok i've decided tml will be my last post.
thus i end my ode to withoutwax (':

its all that matters

2010-06-14T23:17:00.007+08:00

i'm feeling super proud of myself now.
i made it up mt k!
actually...... maybe i will go back one day?
for now, i need a break from treks, my body is screaming for me to stop and i better heed it before anything permanent happens..

mt kinabalu..... hmmm.
it was a challenge.
when the altitude hit me, i just wanted to sit down and not move.
when i reach the summit, i was honestly gna cry. as in really.
there were tears in my eyes. and yihui told me i shld cry if i wanted to hahah..
but i didn't la. didnt wanna embarrass myself..
the walk was soooo long.
it felt like it was never gna end?

i'm just glad i made it.
for now, i don't have much thoughts in my head.. im just so exhausted.
we trekked for almost 20 hours in 2 days. which is amazing.

ok, altho they don't read this.
but yihui shawna soon kiat sq, thank you :D
you guys really made it possible for me to reach the summit, cldn't have done it alone ever. altho i had no energy to be happy or excited when i reached the peak, i really am happy. i hope they know that.
go team mt k!!

this feels so surreal....... arghhh.
less than 2 days ago, at 6am (13/06/1020) , i was at the highest peak in south east asia. the highest a human could possibly go, and all of what is familiar to me was below me. friends were going on with their lives, family was peacefully in bed, for everyone else it was a normal day. but i was up there, 4095 metres above all of these.
and...
now i'm back home on my bed. i kinda wish i was back there?
oh well.

have i become a better person? have i grown stronger?
i've come back with more questions than when i left..
one thing i know is, the mind is really stronger than the body.
i always thought i can't even run 5km..
but, i've climbed 8.5km vertically with abt 8-9 kg of load, unbeknown to myself..
i know its different, but hmmmmmmm... ok.
hahahaha i dunno what im saying also la. but while i was passing all the signs that tells us how far we've walked, this thought came upon me.
and i realised, we really are stronger than we think.

the spirit of trekking

2010-06-05T18:49:00.005+08:00

so, i'm back from stong. this time, i learnt so much i can't possibly put them all into words. the trek wasn't particularly tough or anything but it was the guide who made things so interesting. really had alot alot of fun :D

uncle adam got me thinking, what is the spirit of trekking?
somethings happened and he kinda gave us a little pep talk which made me feel super in awe of him. haha i shall type down what i learnt from what he said!

by coming to a trek we are putting ourselves outside our comfort zone, we have chosen to force ourselves to think outside the box. we are exposing ourselves to the new and unfamiliar. he said that he's doing this purely because he wants to share his knowledge (which, trust me, he has alot to share) of nature. i quote roughly 'i don't care about the politics between singapore and malaysia, when you come here to trek with me, we are all here to learn!'

when i came back from BCL i was very proud of our team cause we pushed ourselves so hard and all of us made it back safely. but after he talked to us, i kinda feel like pushing yourself isn't really the point of trekking? during the trek he kept saying, we go slowly and at your own pace. do not push yourself.
and i kept thinking, the whole point of trekking is to challenge yourself right? to overcome the limits and restraints that you have accumulated from past failures, from bitter experiences. i felt like i needed to prove to myself that, yes i am weak in some areas but it doesn't mean this has to apply to all areas of my life. i can do stuff that people choose not to and is unable to do....
but i think all along, i've gotten it all wrong. if i want to challenge myself physically, there is no need to travel all the way to a mountain to do so, the challenge of trekking is to learn to ENJOY NATURE. and everything she has to share with us. all her wonders, all her miracles.

the summit of a mountain is a motivation but it's not the goal.
the goal of trekking is to trek within your physical limits so you have time and energy to look back at your friends and laugh, sing, talk, tease each other, get to know each other better.
the goal is to trust the terrain and trust yourself so you don't have to keep looking at the ground and be afraid of what you might step on or be constantly wary about falling- leaving your eyes free to roam the forest and the sky.

in trekking, there's no need to think too much. just overcome all the small obstacles that come your way, little by little, we accumulate experience. when the big challenge comes- when its your turn to repel down the waterfall, or to make your way across a raging river- all the little successes that you have carefully and preciously garnered will help build your confidence to overcome it.

have i even mastered a little bit of what it means to be a trekker?
i don't know, but i'm learning.
when we were taking our last picture at the camp, a hawk and two rhinoceros hornbills flew past us. uncle adam and all the other guides were super excited, as were we. and we were all super amazed. the birds so so SO ravishingly beautiful. will never forget that moment, their bright colours, their ease in the sky. the land was spread out before us and everything was pristine.
i think this is the spirit of trekking.

mount kinabalu will mark the end of trekking season.
with rovers, i've climbed datuk 4 times, climbed lata berembum, endau rompin, gunung stong and berembun cemerong lansir.
these are all the little steps i have taken towards the real challenge.
lets hope it goes well.

2010-05-28T00:28:00.001+08:00

shld i move to lj?

aw.

2010-05-16T22:17:00.001+08:00

2010-05-08T14:40:00.004+08:00

there's a thin line between obsession and belief.
its a thin line, but its also a very clear one..
when your friends start to pull away from you because of it, ask yourself.
why?
will i choose a belief that will hurt the people around me?

i wish we can all be taught to judge more astutely.
if evolution is by random chance then please let this be something that developes in humans soon. because obsession is a maladaptive habit that can cause (and has already caused, to some extent) chaos to ensue.

we used to be such good friends, and now when i look at you, i'm afraid of what you've become. is that really because of belief? or is it an obsession?
or maybe its just me.

ultimately, i'm in no place to judge you.
ironies of life!!!!!!!

anw, i'm gg off on monday already. my week has been good. met the rovers people after so longgggg. went to work at aaron kwok's concert (his fancy costumes didnt impress me, but the 360 degree stage thing was so cool!!). meeting eunice to go run now, and then celebs later. tml its mothers day lunch with the cousins and the mothers! yatta.
this is what i call lifeeeeeeeee. what i had before 3rd may was... i dont know what it was. but anw, its over now!! (WHOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)
gna bathe :D

sometimes average is the best.

2010-05-05T00:59:00.003+08:00

look, everyone makes mistakes and most people get over it.
just look at the statistics and you will know, what are the chances that you will feel depressed about a single matter for an unlimited period of time?
its very low. really, most people do get over it. human beings are very adaptive.
why do you choose to think that you can't?
what makes you think you'll stand out from the statistics?
you think you're special?
seriously, being average isn't always a bad thing. at least you know you feel better with time just like everyone else. be glad you're not the small percentage with the depression gene in you, waiting quietly for a traumatic stimuli to come awaken it.

2010-04-29T18:41:00.000+08:00

omg screwed up today's paper. ughhhhhhhhh.
i shldn't have let myself fall sick ):

どこまでも :))

2010-04-24T13:32:00.006+08:00

eito eito eito :D
ok i just finished a traumatic exam but theres no time to waste. more papers coming!
anw, why is kanjani so cute WHY WHY WHY?
hahah they're the best singers in je already (ok and tokio), they have the most unique brand of humour, they are the most ossan about things, the most un-idolish, and the group with the biggest 'gap'.
hahahah ガップ萌えか？ ok thats lyrics but omg i really get it when people say its the gap because who in je can compare to their sudden change from ossans to talents during concerts?
aiyoh more people need to know about them because they are missing outtttttt XD
my mind is still blown away by yasu and baru's desire, tatsu and ryo's torn etc etc etc.
and omg how come ohkura's voice improved SO much in the span of a few months? its shocking.
he has such great control over his voice which already had a nice quality to it before.
and they play SEAMLESSLY as a band and never ever go out of tune during concerts (and its all live!! no synching even when they dance), they write their owns songs also. yay thats what im most proud of. they are japanese mayday. hahah.

love eito <3

2010-04-24T00:59:00.004+08:00

cant wait for exams to be over. i feel so roughed out from this sem :/
i need my holidays!!! (which will come only in july. but yay nevertheless. funder's third law. something is better than nothing.)

first paper is tml. omg. k i will try my best.
ng liting. try your best thank you very much.
because i've been feeling so underappreciated abt certain stuff........
i shall......... appreciate myself first.
お疲れ様、おおきに！:)
明日はがんばろう！毎日毎日も！
試験おわったら、遊ぶことができる！！今できないよ！

mayday :)

2010-04-19T22:21:00.009+08:00

so i went for their concert. hahah dont regret even tho it is exams period.

k so now i'm going thru a mayday craze as always.
haha i was so obsessed i put them on my desktop. k you cant see it but you can click to enlarge!

back to studyinggggggg

2010-04-18T22:48:00.003+08:00

i'm very disturbed by my dad's judgemental statements about my personality and way of doing things. and it disturbs me because.. i want to believe its not true. and yet, he is my father. there must be some truth?

but then again, haha he's made some serious mistakes regarding judgement with my other siblings too. and that i can be more objective about. ahhh my dad is gna become a stubborn old man in the near future. today he was insisting that he looks fine without shaving cause tay ping hui also looks pretty handsome with a mustache :/
anyone can see how subjective he is being. hahahahahaha

bullshit. omg im so angry!!!!!!!

2010-04-10T13:45:00.006+08:00

what is 'women's things' in the house.
wahhhhhhhh what is it i ask you?
so if you wanna put a label called 'women's things,' does it mean that i can also put a label called 'men's things'? does that excuse me from touching those things?
wtf my dad really pisses me off sometimes.
he and his ridiculous and absolutely STUPID chauvinistic ideas.

i don't know who i can tell this to so i shall rant here.
during my parent's trip to langkawi last week, my brother DID NOT LIFT A SINGLE FINGER to help me in the house work.
i cleaned the whole house, i settled all the clothes. and I COOKED MEALS FOR HIM.
is my brother some kind of ceo of a company and has no time for himself or anything else? no.
is he doing anything important? no.
is his girlfriend really SOOOO important? no. but obviously, he wont agree with that.
so, he was playing COMPUTER GAMES DAMNIT. stupid fella. he is so useless. i can't properly articulate how useless he is. what contributions does he make to the family?! i don't know.

well ok, its ok that he's useless i've long accepted that.
but the fact that my dad is ok with it is what is so strange.
WHO IN THIS WORLD IS OK WITH HIS SON BEING USELESS?

we've had this conversation about a million times and always. always, its the same thing.
me: he never does anything
dad: he never do you do loh. why must go and be so petty about such stuff?
me: so you're ok with the fact that he let his little sister take care of him? you're ok with the fact that all he does is sit in the room and play computer while his sister, who is the one who has work to do, does all the work for him? you're ok with his uselessness?
dad: did you tell him you need help or not...
me: THATS NOT THE PT. WHYYYY do i need to tell him anything? its not like he doesnt know it has to be done, he just chooses not to do it, because he grew up knowing that things will be done for him just as long as he waits long enough. and its you people who inculcated such thinking in him.
dad: girl you must understand, some things are women's things... why must you be so extreme in your thinking?
me: so what is men's things? providing for the family? then why is it i have to study and get a job, why does mama have to work? two of us and jie also can stay at hm and fold the clothes all day la.
dad: girl ah its because you are still young thats why you have such extreme thinking..

OH. MY. GOD. this is the ultimate. this is the time thoughts like I HATE MEN. I HATE MY FATHER. SDAKFNSLJKFNDSKGF *MANY MANY VULGARITIES* run through my head. WOMEN'S THINGS. why is there still such a thing when both men and women go out into the society and are now capable of the same things in the coporate world? why is a 'women's thing' retained as it is? omg. i don't know. and sometimes i want to laugh at him because next time when my brother gets married and his wife has to suffer, i can say without having to give evidence, that it is my father's fault. it is. there's no arguing that.

and there's one more thing.. you know, funny enough i can live with my brother being a retard cause i'm so used to it already. humans are so adaptable its amusing. but nevermind.
i went been back to my granny's house a few times when they were in malaysia cause she's alone with the maid and my grandpa.
and on friday, when i went back my grandma was like asking me not to go hm and stay for the night. omg she made me want to cry and i felt so bad for going home.
so i went back and related this to my brother, and guess what. he never once went back there despite having nothing to do at nights. ok he rather go out with his girlfriend loh. and yah, his game is more important then his grandmother. i have nothing to say.
now he's not only useless, he has no conscience. im damn disappointed.
he's made me angry alot of times, but he's never made me feel disappointed before (maybe cause i've never pinned any hopes on him, but lets not talk abt that.)
and my parents used to say, oh we can rely on gor when we are old.
bullshit. you can try if you want to. i don't give a shit what you guys think anymore.

2010-03-31T01:12:00.000+08:00

my life is in real danger!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-03-22T23:36:00.005+08:00

i don't like people who don't listen.
it tells me you can't be bothered, you're too busy to talk to me.
its so sad. but so inherent, nothing can be changed.
seriously, personality is so impossible to change.
yes you grow up, you become more sensitive.
but sometimes, i think people didn't actually become genuinely a better person, we just learn to better and more effectively inhibit our undesirable responses.
and with close friends, this inhibition tend to fall away... and it strips us all down to this unchanged person.
ok la, thats too extreme... but hai..

its ironic, i'm doing an essay abt high agreeableness (im high in that man, like so high)
and im typing all these good things abt the trait, but i don't believe it and i don't like the way it sounds. they explain agreeableness as effortful control which means, i supress my own interests in the interest of the group. its not that i DONT think abt myself, i do but i prefer to give it up in order for the group to remain peaceable. its so.... sad.
is it true? i'm not too sure.
i'm well aware of the fact that i don't know myself very well.
and i think most people don't know themselves very well...
i think it must have been the environment i grew up in.. i was so bitter as a child (not in the adult sense, but in the child-like sense haha), i hated the lack of justice in things that are going on around me (and that hasn't changed). i didn't understand alot of things and no one bothered to explain them to me, simply dismissing me as the youngest of the family.
i guess if now, as a more objective grown up, if i could observe my interaction with my family, it won't actually be that bad.. but i clearly remember how neglected i felt when all 5 of us were in the car. or when we went to grocery shopping together. i remember crying abt this in the car, and getting more upset because no one noticed. its makes me sad even to recall that now.
but i couldnt voice it out, it would have been such a ridiculous thing to say because in all senses my family was so... good. we were a good enough family.
so i kept it in. i used to cry alot as a kid.
until now, my parents cannot understand when i try to tell them about fairness.
i guess its not a concept they grew up with.
in the end, no one can be blamed.
wellllllllllll. this made me an agreeable person and according to the essay i just typed i should be damn glad that i am one. looks at all those advantages.

rumination

2010-03-21T13:39:00.004+08:00

i think studies done on rumination are so interesting.
and i agree with the pro-do-not-ruminate party.
sometimes when we are stressed out, it helps that we are not in tune to our feelings and the fact that you might just break down and die any second. that helps because it prevents the actual event from actually happening. don't you think?
there are times when all the physiological symptoms all start popping out,
pimples errupt
menses come late
insomnia
eyes feel dead
brain feels stuffed up
but if i don't go and analyseee these symptoms, the assignment deadline will be over before the emotional implications of these signs get to me. and before i can feel terrible, its is all past.
just force yourself to sleep at night, then force yourself to get off the bed in the morning, go to school, find yourself a sit and type until you run dry. and it will end. it always ends, why worry about it never ending? why dwell and dread when its going to come anyway?

i agree. rumination is really not a good thing.
and i agree. its so much better to be a guy in that aspect.
because i agree that guys ruminate less.

2010-03-15T21:46:00.003+08:00

i have one episode left to finishing jiu xiang lai zhe ni.
hmmmmmmm. i haven't watched a whole taiwan series since hai tun wan.
ahaha srsly, that was a really long time ago. i remember watching it through the night and sobbing to myself although none of them could act. was just a kid back then, forgive me. hahaha! children do very cute things (like watching a bunch of bad actors and crying for them).

you know, jiu xiang lai zhe ni is a superrr sweet show.
it makes me wanna fall in love~~ hahaha ok la i know its dillusional of me to project the show onto real life. because, who in real life is like ella?
everyone says, 跟她相处久了就一定会爱上她。
please, you go find me a person like that first...
and who in real life is like jerry yennnn. hahaha he is too sweet to her. so aw <3

but i remember, last time, i used to think. ah this guy is quite cute.
but EVERYTIME. i emphasise EVERYTIME...
everytime i happen to get to know the person he stops being goodlooking to me. hahahaha. omg and i'll be thinking, theres something wrong with my shen mei guan is it. because alot of times handsome guys are disappointingly lacking in personality. such a pity.
but of course there are good ones out thereeeeeee. (i shall not generalise!)
makes me think what kind of guys my jap guys are. hahaha..

haiii... lemme think, whats happening in my life now?
i just recovered from major illness that made me miss 2 days of school (woe)
went running today
2 term papers due next friday
rovers bazaar has ended
camp planning is going to start
i got a job at singapore indoor stadium
eunice yining aixin jen ade's bday is coming. (omg thats too many)
its 10, im gg to watch kang xi now. bye.

weird

2010-03-02T23:35:00.004+08:00

sometimes when people praise me,
i dont like to disagree and be all abashed abt it.
its not because i agree or that i think i deserve praise.
its just cause i don't want to sound like i'm humble.
weird right? i don't know when i started thinking like that, but i really just dont deny praises that comes my way even though i know they are not true.
and theres such a huge chance things go wrong and you start to sound like you were fishing for it in the first place. hahah. yeah.
(usually i don't but with close friends its different. cause they know me well enough to know i'm not humble :D and that i wasn't fishing for praise :D)

theres just something about humble people that piss me offfffffff.
hahah no, i correct myself.
its not that. i don't like hearing other people say that 'oh A is so humble!'
haha maybe its some kind of complex but yah.

ok im sorry for the yah and yeahs.
theres just this lack of words these days, i dont know whats happening to my english.
its all jap's fault.

2010-02-24T01:51:00.003+08:00

amidst all the jap shit that has been going on,
i just had the urge to come and write down what im thinking.
because, i think its quite sensible and i don't wanna forget it.. like how i'm forgetting so many other things nowadays.

in uni, we do alot of stuff through email and msn and sms. because the school is big and its difficult to meet each other. we are not studying one level away from each other.
i don't understand why people don't do simple things like reply to emails (and other said media).
theres the saying, something about when you become a leader you also become a slave. right?
when you are in that position isn't it good to do some PR and reply emails?

people (me la me la) content very easily, you do something simple like move your fingers to reply and the next time when you ask me to do something (may it not be difficult and tedious, but it usually is) i will be more willing to do it?
can people not understand the theory of be nice to others if you want others to be nice to you?
seriously, the amount of effort spent being nice and the amount of effort i will spend being nice back will not be proportionate. you will get back more than you give.

i'm not saying that i'm giving
i think what i'm saying applies to alot of people?
because when you repeatedly dont reply emails or sms-es,
the amount of annoyance that it DOES gets out of me is definitely not proportionate to the amount of annoyance it SHOULD get out of me.
all things are improportionate in the end.
call me emotional, call me cliche. whatever.
but i believe a little bit goes a long way. yes this saying is so overused. but its not being used again and again for nothing. there must be some truth? yes?

i don't know man,
if next time you know you will need me to cover your butt (no matter how inadequately i might be equipped to that) then dont ignore me like that. its not comforting, not effective. not smart.

just move your fingers abit..... its such an easy and efficient way of building human relationships.

2010-02-20T01:36:00.002+08:00

this year i spent the most uneventful valentines.
ahh miss the sugary quality in the air on valentines in stnicks.
and the lingering evidence of valentines days after.

valentines..
it has always been a fun day..
well, i know i can tell anyone i love them anyday if i want to.
but its fun to spend some money buying sweets, spend hours wrapping..
and then go santa clausing the next day.

ahh uni is such a cold place.

ohkura's wisdom.

2010-02-13T14:16:00.004+08:00

you know.
everyone, to a certain extent, do not do what they preach.
so, thats nothing new? right.
but when someone accuses someone else of not doing so, and with that act itself (the accusation) has gone against what he himself preached.. thats when things got to me.
ok i dunno what exactly i'm saying also.
forget it.

and, that day i was watching kanpani. hahahah.
kanjani 8's show, and ohkura said,
絶対は無いよ！

to literally translate, it is to say, theres no such that as never.
but what he means was,
nothing is ever definite.
in chinese,
世界上没有绝对。

i think thats about the best thing i've ever heard from him hahahah.
nah, i love him too much to judge him <3
ok no la, i really just agree with what he said. because...
i can't find a point of disagreement over that sentence.

いじょう。

a list.

2010-01-16T15:10:00.003+08:00

i thought up of a list of things i wanna do this year!!!!

1. Become fit! (in order to...)
2. Conquer Kinabalu and BCL
3. Save up for all the overseas trips i've been dreaming about.
4. Keep reading
5. Grow my library
6. Pick up guitar proper
7. Buy a guitar
8. Finish the horse i've been drawing since ages ago.
9. LOSE WEIGHT! (ok number 1 shld aid in this one... but i cringe at how this never fails to get on the list every year :/)

and btw, i do realise how alot on the list goes against number 3. but, what to do? (quoting Webster, yes 'what to do?' appeared in duchess. hahaha)
ok lunch time. bye!

2010-01-07T00:41:00.006+08:00

i really appreciate spending time alone at home.
wake up when i want.. cook lunch (and wash the plates when i feel like it haha).. laze around.. read.. go running........
no no, appreciate is an understatement. i love it alot alot alot.
am i being selfish by wanting to spend time with myself ):
this hols, for 1mth++, chances of staying home alone has been soooooo slim.
simply because i can't bring myself to tell my mum, that i just want to stay at home for a day, ok? can i? can you allow me that small amount of time for myself?
because if i've nothing to do for the day, i have to go to the market with my grandma in the morning, accompany my ma to the hospital in the afternoon (which effectively takes away my whole day), go visit at night or just spend time with my grandma at her house.. in general, i'm not supposed to be free at all.
i really don't mind doing it. really. but i just need a day? give me a day?
but no its too late now. school's starting on monday.

i keep thinking, why am i the only one who's doing all these things? are all my other cousins dead?! why can't the people with the car do the travelling?
why this why that... omg i feel like such a bitch for asking these questions.. what right do i have to doubt my relatives like that? i know they have their own lives to lead.
but, i just feel so so so sad. to go to the market in the morning and see my grandma SO happy to see me coming to bring her home. she's told all her friends that her granddaughter is coming to fetch her. i know she's sick of the maid, and she wants to see someone she actually cares about. and for that i will do it over and over for her. if they know how she feels i think they would too.. but they would never know. because my grandma, being my grandma, would never ask for anything. she never wants to trouble anyone... i feel like telling her, its ok to ask. ah po, its really ok? i spent half my life up till now demanding all sorts of things from you.. its your turn now.

hai...........
sometimes when friends ask me to go out i feel so........ ugh. i dont wanna go out...
i'm sorry. i know i'm being unfair. its not you guys, its me.
too much time with other people has been wearing me out and i can feel myself fraying at both ends, physically, mentally.. haiiiiiii
i'm just tired.
)':

2009-12-26T20:54:00.003+08:00

everyone likes to be told that they are important, and that they are needed.
but some like it more than others.
and different people will like it for different reasons.

i think maintaining a healthy need for approval is very crucial to success in life.
crave too much, you win but you don't.
does that make sense?
its like that quote, you've won the battle but you've lost the war.

grandparents.

2009-12-12T23:37:00.005+08:00

so, what i've been dreading has finally come.
i know people all die one day, but death is so alarming. so disarming.
when i see him on the hospital bed, he looks so small.. so vulnerable..
what happened to the man who used to wheel me around in the market trolley? who gave me spelling, who read me hong lou meng when i felt bored? who argued with me heatedly?
who told a 12 year old girl that he believes she can make it, even when the whole world thought otherwise?
theres nothing i can do about the fact that he is suffering. does he want to pass on? does he want to stay? does it help if we knew?
when death comes, everyone becomes helpless.

many things we're doing now is more for us and not for him. why?
i just want him to stop suffering. that will be.. the saddest thing and at the same time the happiest thing that can happen now.

ah gong, i hope you know that no matter what we are there for you. and i want to let you know that you are not alone in this. death comes to everyone whether early or late in life. you've had 4 children, 7 grandchildren.
you will be survived by us.

2009-12-01T01:24:00.003+08:00

tomorrow is my last paper!!!!!!!!! *fireworks*
once again, exams reveal to me human nature. my own and those of others.
who steps on others to go ahead? who chooses to underestimate? who still thinks they are in any way more important than others? its interesting. who will care? who won't take time to?

i'm glad to say that my psych friends are not ppl who turn on others. im so fortunate to have them as study partners cause i've suffered in sem 1 from studying alone. and i think because of them i will do better this sem. i must say, people in uni (age? experience? peer influence?) tend to handle stress better. no tempers, no break downs... we just laugh and talk more. which is good, i like :)

anw, don't know if dear friends are still reading this but this is my dec schedule
7-8 - datuk
16-18 - lata
28-30 - ophir

i'm not gna be very free.. other then the date i'll be gone theres the days we have to spend doing briefing, packing stores, and washing tents..

k gna go do a last round of stats. bye

omg

2009-11-23T17:07:00.002+08:00

every sem finals feel like alvls.
someone up above please see my through this.

2009-11-14T23:29:00.001+08:00

shld i apply for residence in school...............

thinking about the wrong things.

2009-11-10T21:17:00.008+08:00

today when i was coming home... i was thinking. how far apart is being lonely and being alone?
its different for everyone i guess.
i remember those ironic times when i'm surrounded by people in a crowded room and felt so extremely lonely, and times when i was walking along the streets alone feeling this peaceful solitude, or when i woke up earlier than everyone else at east coast and went to take a walk as the sun was rising..

i remember being in japan... unfamiliar faces and speech.. was i feeling lonely then? or was it solitude? i always tell my friend (who complains alot about being lonely when she's alone) that, you're not LONELY, you're ALONE. its different.
now i know, she WAS lonely. she was alone and lonely, simply because she thinks she was.
to me, at that time, she can't be feeling lonely so easily?
but now i know, today i've grown abit more.. i shall remind myself, everyday, to try to live by my own standards, just as everyone lives by theirs.

my experience tells me this: the more people there are around, the more lonely i feel.

MEANWHILE,
i got back bio omg. the mean is 53/100
and i still got lower than that... this is one instance where we need to live by the standards of others because if not you will just fall behinddddddd ):

2009-11-10T02:04:00.003+08:00

sometimes, i get so lost in myself that i start to believe it never happened.
i have no idea. theres so many questions...
sometimes i feel i should just not say a thing and let people get on with their lives, because its not like what i say matters to anyone in the end. they hear me but i don't know if they actually care about the contents. its like, you just need to know theres someone there who's willing to talk about you, with you.

and then theres generalisation. such a evil thing. assumptions, sweeping judgements... they are all a product of this rotten society............

sometimes i think i like all these jap idols so much simply because they're so far away from my reality.

2009-11-09T01:14:00.004+08:00

theres nothing happening in my life right now.
just need to get through the paperssss.
assgs are mostly over (finally) and exams will be over soon (in a month) and i'll be free to die on the mountains in malaysia, so i hope everything goes fine.
just got the guitar from wg and the string snapped alr. hahaha got to go get it changeddd and i'm so determined to pick up smth during the hols, myself. so the guitar it shall be.
just now i alr taught myself doe a deer. HAHA my finger hurts nowwww.

thurs is jap oral exam. i'm damn scared, thinking abt it makes me wanna pee my pants ):

puzzled.

2009-11-01T02:04:00.003+08:00

if God is in all of us,
when one day, we finally find ourselves, will we, then, find God?
or do we have to find God first to find ourselves?

most people never find themselves.. throughout their whole lives.
but they claim to have found God. have they really?

Dan Brown's really got me thinking..

2009-10-22T00:21:00.006+08:00

i'm not sure what to do anymore... for the first time in a very long time, i feel like i just want to sit down somewhere and whine to someone who won't judge me. and complain and complain, and cry if need be and scream if need be and release if need be. i don't know if i'm happy or not, so many new faces, so many bridges malformed, or are just in process. i don't know. i suddenly feel so helpless..

it is in shocking realisation that i discovered there is nothing left.
all i see is work work and more work in front of me, and i have already reached the point where i can no longer drag myself out of bed to school. so many mornings, i lie on my bed and tell myself there will always be more time. its not good on the morale, really. there isn't more time, and you know it my dear ng liting. i'm just wasting money, wasting energy... wasting my life away.

i want others to come to me for security and yet deep down i know i cannot give it.
i never understood myself, just like how i always laugh and say i can never understand some people, i can never understand myself. maybe in 10 years time? maybe i need to be challenged? maybe i should stop being so timid about my decisions.. to just stop inhibiting myself. maybe if i tell myself i can, and just throw myself at it. beautiful things can happen.. i really... am not sure. not sure of myself, the future, and sometimes the past. did those things really happen? or are they just a fraction of my imagination? do all these relationships still exist? have they ever, truly, existed? omg..... too many things to think about, and all so useless in helping me through my current predicament.

i hate the way my art turns out now. small patterns that try to be neat but are not. striving to extend but is unable to. so awkward. oh my... whats happening?

and i don't even know what i'm upset about.
i want my mama and daddy back ):
omg i'm so mentally weak ughhhh it pisses me off so much.

2009-10-19T21:51:00.001+08:00

i love the fact that Mozart composed a piece called Lick My Butt.
although it was found post humously hahahaha

2009-10-17T20:00:00.003+08:00

do you know i have alot of things to do and the last thing i wanna do are things i find meaningless, like contacting 30 year olds about an organisation that has been out of their lives since about 10 years ago.

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
why did i put myself through this.

2009-10-16T01:27:00.005+08:00

恋しといとしをえがいた君のグラフッチ
会いたいと会えないのバランスぼくにエネルッギ～

what a sweet song <3
hai...... i walked into a boys toilet today. seriously. first time in my life and i feel damn embarassed about it. although i didn't technically go in, and i didn't see anything explicit. hahahah.. but i got laughed at by a stranger ):

i don't know why i'm here when i have a paper in less than 7 hours and i still can't rmb much of what i've been studying this past week. haha

i'm still pissed about what happened this monday. whoops. haiii i can't help it. its all crumbling in front of me and i can't do anything about it. just because i don't possess the qualities of a 'leader'. its ok, using cognitive dissonance i have convinced myself that i don't care that much anyway (omg contridicting myself already myyy goodness)

p.s liam is turning out to be so cute. i wanna kidnap him. like how i wanted to kidnap all his brothers....

something lacking in life.

2009-10-12T20:04:00.003+08:00

i think this sem, i made alot of new friends.
but i realise its so easy to find friends you can talk to...
but, i think many times they don't understand. i don't need someone i can talk to, but someone i can be quiet with.
that's so much more important to me.

2009-10-03T21:24:00.000+08:00

my cousin got married ytd :O

i'm quite shocked. i dunno why.
from now on, theres only 6 children left durinf reunion dinner ):

sbux.

2009-09-16T02:47:00.011+08:00

i've decided to quit my job. seriously, i'm glad that i finally picked up enough courage to move on. but today, pamela made me really sad (well, and happy at the same time) she said that she doesn't know why but i make her really happy. oh mannnnn i didn't tell her she is one of the few that gives me a happy shift. she told me, people move in and out of our lives and we just have to accept that. omg. damn sad.. i feel guilty for quitting now, but no, why should i stay? when about half the time i get bad shifts? i have to talk to a boss that makes me feel bad, and juggle school at the same time.. its too much.

i've learnt SO much at sbux. i think no one will believe how much till they've tried it for themselves. the learning there is so independent it scares me even when i think back about it. its definitely nothing like what we face in school oh man its a whole new dimension all together. and everything there.. its so real.. the friendly facade, the sudden surge of help when the boss comes. ahaha i think this is life, isn't it? sometimes its so difficult not to fall into that trap. makes me sad to think that eventually we all have to behave like this, because you are the only one who suffers by being obstinate.. justice, fairness, being yourself. its all bullshit at the end of the day. what matters is you deliver. first you must be able to deliver, then lets talk about fun and laughter.

but then, i'm really gna miss alot of them. like srsly. pamela, thai, salleh, yul, teng, abang yan, sarala, (who left before me).. and some others whose names i don't even rmb (sorryyyyyy). it amazes me that such a short stint of 2 mths can make me realise so much about myself, about the world, about human kind in general.

my daddy <3

2009-09-08T20:35:00.000+08:00

just now daddy and i sat down and ate the baluku tgt. then he said to me,

girl nowadays seldom here you laugh?
why leh?

omg. wanna cry.

2009-09-08T19:30:00.000+08:00

omg. there's too much work.
its... quite stunning.

2009-08-31T02:53:00.002+08:00

看日昇日落看月圓月缺年復一年的經過曾經我也那麼獨一無二
怕潮起潮落怕患得患失錯了又錯的疼痛終於我的生命只剩生存
活著只會呼吸吃飯喝水的生活

mayday
<3

2009-08-19T02:23:00.002+08:00

i've been so busy i haven't had time to even feel the busy-ness yet. does tt make sense?
finally when i tht that this weekend i can slack around abit. there's that trip....
omg.......... noooo why is it like that.

2009-08-15T02:39:00.001+08:00

watching rovers selection is like watching taiwan drama.

2009-08-12T02:38:00.001+08:00

ahhhh sch starts tml......... altho i was kinda looking forward to it. but then thinking about the travelling... i don't feel like i wanna go to school already. and then there's the waking up :X
and i'm still here now. hahaha tml i DIE. liting, you die tml. rly.

anw i was thinking,
hmmm shld i change my blog's picture.

ah work was good. its really the people leh. srsly. its not about the day, or how much shit we get from the customers. or the amount of mistakes i made. or the number of times i got scolded. its really just the others on the floor that makes a good shift.

ah forgot. met celebs on monday. it was funnnn. suddenly it all seemed to become a no strings attached kinda thing. and to me, that doesnt mean no responsibilities.. ah i don't know how to describe. but it became.. light. haha. k forget it. but anw, i went hm with aixin for the last time. yap aixin its quite saddening. from now on no more trips hm tgt! kkkk oh well. after... hmm.. has it been 7 yrs. around there. aw.

i am happyyyyyy

2009-08-07T12:13:00.001+08:00

yesterday was an unbelivably good day!
met soooooooo many people omg.
the relief teachers in sn in the morning.. listening to shuxian's aussie stories. hahah
then met charissa xiaorong and matong later on with winnie. went to ion to walk walk.. haven't seen them in SO long. yay. we shld really meet up more often like srsly. this is not enoughhhhhhhhhh.
k then after that, work.
ytd's closing shift was damn fun!!! ok its not damn fun or what, but i actually had a happy shift, which is so rare. (or rather its the first time) met a new guy who turned out to be really nice. and got to know pamela better. yes maybe things are taking a turn for the better. i hope so. if this kinda shift will pop up once in awhile i could actually keep on working there... hmm

2009-08-04T00:50:00.003+08:00

i've been having strange dreams. WHOLE dreams, in which i can remember every detail and every person in it. and in the dream, i'm not actually conscious that i'm dreaming.
omg its actually very very freaky.
2 days i ago i dreamt that there's this big murder conspiracy going on and i was so freaked out cause i thought i was going to go to prison, and was thinking omg mama and daddy are gna kill me because they let me go to uni and blah only for it all to end like that. when i woke up i was SO relieved it wasn't real.
and then today i dreamt that i was going to aussie to study. i've applied, packed, done all the paper work, arranged for accomodation at melbourne, talked about money matters with my sister and was at the airport with all my winter clothes ready. and i woke up. thinking, WHAT why am i still on my bed, am i late for the plane?! then i realise im dreaming. when i fell back asleep i continued the dream ok... this time it was more disrupted, like im starting to find loopholes, like how my mum was commenting on how tiny my suitcase was. i opened it to realise i only brought clothes and nothing else. no shoes nothing. hahaha.. and i had to rush home to repack. omg. and i woke up damnnnnn confused, it took me awhile to remember how come im still on my bed.

and perhaps the most distinct feeling was... that lingering feeling of disappointment.
haha, maybe my dream was telling me something huh.

2009-08-03T01:24:00.002+08:00

ah the previous post was 555th hahah oh man
im so bored that i decided to come here in the end.
went ecp today!! cycleddddddd. wanted to go changi and that nice jetty but the osim run was in the way. aw. oh well nxt time! hmm it was a good day, windy and sunny.
winnie suffered under the grasps of the unforgiving uv rays while i basked in it.
haha poor girl.. hope you've recovered by the time you see this.

k after that we went to research tw trip. hmmm this is getting abit worrying.

truth be told. i've been worried alot this past few days.
i think i already know what i'm going to be doing in the end...
but i can't help but grovel round and round the problem.
if dread is the first thing that comes to mind, then maybe i shouldn't?
but i long to return to a life that is of some semblance to sn and ij days.
no idea. argh.

mune ni heavenly psycho ima wa mirai ni mukau
michi no tochuu da~~~
ryo <3

kick from being alone.

2009-07-31T18:56:00.000+08:00

today i went for da vinci!!!
yesss alone. hahaha omg damn cool the exhibiton.
and i think i might actually be getting addicted to doing stuff alone.

hmmm maybe when i ever take the photos out from my phone i will upload the illegal pictures i took before realising that i'm not supposed to be taking them (no idea why, i mean the reason they gave is that the exhibits are fragile. pls, they're just print outs... not even a copy or a reprint or anything close to the real thing if you tell me its copyright or smth still ok right.. wakanai.)

2009-07-29T14:38:00.003+08:00

i realise, i have nothing to tell.
cause i'm really just doing nothing haaha.
work's been ok, i'm getting used to it. and the nicer manager is back from japan so less of seeing her. although i still can't figure out if she really dislikes me, or is she just like that in general. oh well. it doesn't matter anymore, i've decided to just let it go where ever its going to. on its own.

school's starting soon, i was kinda looking forward to it.
until bidding started :/
and i realise i'm so broke i can't get jlang. ok i might not be able to.
yr 1s have protection but omg i'm no yr 1 anymore ):
so. yes. i pray i get it. if i don't i'll be so disappointed.
k i think i shall go cycling soon.... the sun is so inviting!
but then. i don't feel like leaving my house hahaha. ok we'll see.

after rereading my post, i realise its such a monotonous monologue. (haha what a negative sounding phrase)
oh no. i shall not try to pretend that my life is very exciting.
ok good things that have been happening are that,
1. i've gotten a new group of friends from rovers. which makes me less of a lonely soul in uni.
2. i'm doing most of my mods with friends
3. i like what i'm learning at sbux
4. fandom is progressing fine:D
5. i bought 1984. need to reread it.
6. i've decided i'm going to davinci's exhibition on thurs. don't care if i have to do it alone hoho

2009-07-26T23:38:00.001+08:00

i swear she hates me ):

2009-07-24T09:40:00.000+08:00

things haven't been good.

2009-07-13T23:46:00.006+08:00

there's still alot of things i haven't done and hols are ending already.
i haven't went for xlb
haven't gone kayaking
haven't finished the entire hp series (excluding ootp)
haven't had a sleep over with innova people
haven't completed that drawing
haven't fandomed

damnnnnnnn.
but nevertheless, its been fulfilling working at sbux.
looking forward to working in-store even tho i learned today that my drinks are always either over or underweight ): its ok, i'll do my best.
raspberry latte is just strangeeeeeeeeee. try it guys. hahaha peculiar taste. not unpleasant.
for the 2nd time in my life, i felt like people aren't on the same frequency as me. like srsly.
hmmm... its strange... ok lets not talk abt that.

a shocking thing happened. my neighbour committed suicide. omg damn freaky. ok lets not talk about that either.

ah sun yanzi's concert was great. she's really damn cute. think she feels at hm in sg so she was adorableeeeeeeee. she kept saying thank yeww. hahahah in that singaporean way. love her man. and of course her voice is. bu yong shuo one. i was mesmerised from start to end ok. yay

oh on friday shuduan and amanda and lao po celebrated my bday! :)
the cake was niceeeeeee. because lao po's mother baked it. hahaha ok it doesnt matter of course.
and we fulfilled our secret desire to be defiant rebellious students by climbing over the fence instead of using the gate HAHA but of course we weren't wearing our skirt, so no chance of getting caught zao geng-ing by the public or sch cameras :D

everyone in starbucks smokes :(((((((

2009-07-08T01:57:00.003+08:00

today, when it turned 12 am. i was walking home... playing the game that i play with myself whenever the streets are empty of people. the same game i played with myself from a decade ago.

many many many people have celebrated with me already and i love all you guys.
its really great to have people like you around :)
today's trip to the zoo was dammnnnnnn fun. hahahaha. with the help of aiba's prescence~~

but when i was walking home alone just now.
i felt glad that when i reach home, my brother will be playing his game, oblivious to the fact i'm home. my dad and mum will be sleeping... its like after a whirlwind of activities. peace. homeground.
i was a great feeling.

2009-07-05T21:10:00.002+08:00

deathly hallows is so exciting~~~~~~~~~~~
i'm totally rereading all the books. and i realise smth i don't have the sorcerer stone man. wth is this. and my goblet of fire is actually liz's!! oh no.

ok btw, im finally starting work!
nervoussss.

i've been staring at fb so much my eyes are dying. better stop.

2009-07-04T10:23:00.001+08:00

its weird to facilitate a camp where the campers are older then you. hahha..
but anw it was fun. had a great time.
the campers were cuteeee hahaha and the facils were all nice people :)

having camp withdrawals now........
which in a sadistic way is kind of a happy feeling (since i haven't had this feeling since sec 3)

2009-06-28T02:00:00.003+08:00

wish we could all stop running around in circles.
but then... talking makes people feel better huh.

haha ng liting, look what you're doing.
you're not one to talk.
reading all this reflective stuff... (esp aft mj has died)
i wonder, is reflection really useful?
if we keep an open mind from the start then reflection won't rly be a step we have to take, but an automatic response?
no idea.
i'm trying to make full use of my time with myself now hoho :)

btw this miniglorist is rly :/
i keep mistaking it as morning glory. hahah then get a shock, then realise its not.

2009-06-26T22:55:00.010+08:00

omg 2 more days to camp?!
oh well

i'm having fun lazing around at home everyday... can't imagine my life any other wayyyyyy.
haha yes ok. i know i need to get a life

srsly this pair of ojiichan and obaachan are just too cute. like rly.
this is the first time i'm replaying the vid to watch the grandparents and not arashi. HAHA.
they're SO CUTE i took a screenshot of them. cannot resist.
haha sho was shocked at how much they look like they're on a date. awwww even tho they're been married FIFTY SIX FREAKING YEARS. <3
obaachan made me cry when she said she felt like it was her real grandchild singing to her.
arghh. omgg.. this is the best epi ever.

of engrish and hair

2009-06-25T23:28:00.003+08:00

2009-06-24T21:27:00.006+08:00

the weather in singapore should be like this everyday.
ahhh i just lazed in bed the ENTIRE TIME. and i rly mean entire time. just reading harry potter. i didn't even play sims today. hahaha kisekin!
now my neck is aching. hahaha the only thing i did with my body today was eat. and oh i went to climb stair hoho.

btw. housing in tokyo is impossibly expensive.
the size is 6 tatami mats and its rent is 90000 yen. omg?!
thats like 1000+ sing right. omg srsly. crazy.
muri!

and omg hina is sooo funny. DAIJOUBU DAIJOUBU! (x100) hahahahahah yoko said his fangs grew by 3 more cm HYAHAHAHAHAH, oh my shit its too funny

2009-06-22T23:48:00.001+08:00

actually i feel so sorry for those fansubbers.. when they apologise for late releases, difference in quality, spoiled links and stuff..
why are they apologising.
fans should already be laughing through their butts at the fact that theres smth for them to watch..

hai. still dare to complainnnnnn. irritating

my sim went on a protest today!!!

2009-06-20T03:32:00.006+08:00

what you are doing is making this become a chore for me.
maybe you feel i need to be punished? i don't know.
but please stop it soon. i will not lash out but i might just give up.
because to me i'm not the only one who's 'not trying'

anw. today... went back to sch to do rovers stuff.
nice seeing adeline and eunice again!!
yay. and our flag is pretty.

(btw on my way to meet winnie that day, i fell down on the steps. haha throughout the entire thing, the pre-fall, the fall and the post-fall, i never stopped msging. it was damn funny. i fell and got up and pretended nothing happened. AND I HEARD PPL LAUGHING AT ME. evil people......)

ahh and what i said abt the cf, ok i take it back, i was glad i went cause we got to see jr snrs again! it was niceeeeeeeeeee. a nice gathering. i think we wont be seeing each other for yrs to come, since sn guides has nothing to offer us anymore. the teachers won't allow any sort of commitment yes this is the ultimate ironyyyyyyyyyy. but srsly, it was good to see them. reminds me of old times. times which i'll give anything to go back to. but there's no use saying such things anymore.

i'm going to sleep!!

2009-06-19T02:21:00.002+08:00

somehow the most predictable behaviour of a human being are always bad things.. addiction, bad habits.. they're just easier. hai.

btw, the sngg cf was very bad.
i wish i never went.

2009-06-13T21:44:00.003+08:00

sean is growing up to be a fine boy. he is.
can't believe i feel so much affection towards a boy whom i don't even know :/
but he's really very very adorable i swear.
today karen cheng blogged about his funny questions... and this is my favourite (hers as well)

“Why do adults have to work anyway? If they need money, why don’t they just rob a bank?”

HAHA! so cute. i guess its rly true that ang mohs are more vocal.. ask so many questions omg.

anw if you're free, check out these cute little boys <3

2009-06-08T23:41:00.015+08:00

i think, sometimes people are so caught up in belief
they forget to think, why they believe. how they came to believe.
if you've spent your entire life dilligently believing in God, does it mean you've been a good follower?
does a person who consider the makings of religion and choose to ask questions that delve beyond their scriptures make a bad follower?
saying goes, to lead is to follow.. but i think contrary to that, to follow is to lead is also not wrong isn't it. you have to responsible for yourself and many others as a follower. mindlessness can never lead to anything other then blind faith.

i think God doesn't want us to lead life that way. i choose to believe that God is one who makes space for questioning, for doubting, for personal interpretation... sometimes, religion can be so stiffling. it strangles you, stresses you to believe in absolute truth. God exists because HE JUST DOES. no questions asked. really... is this the belief He chooses for us?
sometimes i imagine His life in heaven. haha. with technology, more people get to know about Him. but has He really spread His real message... i think not? more people are beginning to think they believe... and how are they spreading it? by telling people they go to hell if they don't. it stinks of commercialism. so people pop up in church and goes 'yes i've been saved!' right.
i think its funny, how, when people are asked things they don't know about their own religion, they stiffen, they avoid. what for? to be a good follower you have to know everything about God, about your religion? and yet, they say that human would never be able to fully comprehend God.

i just........ suddenly had some thoughts on the way home. angels and demons made me think about religion all over again.. even tho i watched the movie pretty long ago, but i guessed i shelved it for a day when i felt like thinking.
i don't mean to antogonise anyone, so...... don't be. haha.
i think like Rushdie (ooh lit) and feel horrified by the idea of an entire civilisation believing in one common ideology. whats the purpose of living if, everywhere you go there are only temples? or there are only mosques, churches etc etc. where's the colour? diversity? where is the dynamic quality of human that God gave us? what is culture if there's only one kind of it?
religion is full of contridiction. i wouldn't dare say they are ironies. but yes, to me, contridictions.
and like langdon said, religion is a gift that i have yet to receive, or maybe am just not fated to do so.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
btw i rly need a baito.
give me kudasai!

yasuken

2009-06-07T00:59:00.007+08:00

omg i watching yasuken again! its a great achievement to get me to watch a drama again ok. yasuken, you're the first :) anw i just love the actors too much. haha as in, matsuoka and hirosue ryoko. srsly she didn't change much as compared to when she was in beach boys. which is a good thing cause she was so cute back then. haha now she's pretty. ohkura didn't really act in there, so :/ but anw this show is goooddddddd.

btw i'm updating so much! ahh i'm really really bored! wish starbucks would call me so i'll feel more grounded with work. anw. can't wait for aussie folks to get back to sg... yessss you. diana shuduan laopo and delia! yay.

yoshiiiiiii back to the dorama!

zukkoke okotomichiiiiiiii

2009-06-06T00:58:00.009+08:00

The answers will, however
Always taste of bitter tears
But lets keep on living rebelliously
Tomorrow there will be a new wind blowing

nishikido ryo desu yay yay yay
yasuda shota desu hora boom boom!
tacchon desu tacchon desu yay yay yay
murakami shingo desuuuuuuu
maru chan desu maru chan desu yay yay yay
heyyy suba chan desu suba chan desu hey! boom boom
*yoko pretends to forget*
kanjani eito desuuuuuuu~

omg i love them
im once again watching their concert. yes AGAIN. hahahaha oops
maaa sore shoganai :)

look at how happy they've made these kids!! <3

2009-06-05T00:39:00.009+08:00

the secret life of bees is a wonderful film..
made my hair stand.........

27 dresses

2009-06-03T22:15:00.005+08:00

typical hollywood love stories are nice afterall huh.
i haven't watched one is so long, i've forgotten how sweet they can get.
esp, when you get a hot guy like that to act in it.
HEHEEEEEEEE. pls he's damn hot. and i thought he was just ok as cyclops. aahaha shit.
when he said good morning sunshine to izzie (i dunno how to spell her name!! catherine hiegl?) omg i melted!!!!!!!!!! so hot wth. how can someone get so handsome.
the two of them are soooooo sweet tgt, they should just get tgt already!!!

james marsdennnnnnnnn :)

THEY LAUGH SO FUNNILY. SRSLY
there are entire parts where its just
btw im dying listening to recomen HAHA.
HAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAH!!!!!!
OMG i also dunno WHAT they are laughing about but its just VERY FUNNY. esp yoko's laughter. HAHAHAHA. shit its damn funny.

since we're on the topic

2009-05-31T12:01:00.002+08:00

Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret Judy Blume
Call It Sleep Henry Roth
Housekeeping Marilynne Robinson
A Dance to the Music of Time Anthony Powell
The Golden Notebook Doris Lessing
A House for Mr. Biswas V.S. Naipaul
Lolita Vladimir Nabokov
Lucky Jim Kingsley Amis
The Man Who Loved Children Christina Stead
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest Ken Kesey
Pale Fire Vladimir Nabokov
The Spy Who Came From The Cold John le Carre
The Sot-Weed Factor John Barth
Play It as It Lays Joan Didion

hmmm. yeah i came up with a book list!
i'm reading Mao's Last Dancer now. good book. (and its non fic, the first non fic novel i'm reading, i think.) abittttttt didactic. or maybe its because it's been translated.. no idea.

haha that day i was talking to liz, we were saying we should start a book club. yeah between the 2 of us, the amount of books we read is enough to start one already i think. so fun. its so interesting to talk to someone who reads too...

what we can all learn

2009-05-29T03:10:00.001+08:00

yoko learned from maru that if you move around like crazy, you get lots of screentime XD

HAHA. maybe its the way enshinge translated it but its so funny. makes me wanna watch the countdown agn!

list.

2009-05-27T22:04:00.011+08:00

things i have been doing to squander away the family inheritance:

1. not working
2. watching numerous movies.
3. watching numerous concerts (deadly)
4. buying numerous books
5. buying a game
6. eating expensive food
7. going to kbox (poor people should only sing in their bathroom)
8. buying useless stuff, just cause i feel like spending
9. still thinking of going to taiwan (the mere thought of it makes my bank feel emptier)
10. making my friends go out with me.
11. using alot of electricity.
12. doing expensive sports, like kayaking

out of which 5, 8, 10 and 11 are all actually the result of 1.
well its kinda my money. but, its kinda not. you know.

ps sharon au talked abt sn on her blog. ok kinda. anw i feel so AW reading it. hope she continues to excel man she's damn pro. anw why does she speak kansai ben. hahahah she wrote honmani. ok i was convinced honmani is a kansai way of saying hontoni cause k8 keeps saying it? okashiii.
omg i said anyway twice. i lack vocabulary mannn i need help.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
omg im really bored, so im updating a tremendous number of times.
i think i need an entire collection of George Orwell books. how do i find more books about alternate realities? i'm glad i took lit in jc you know, i feel like i discovered a whole new realm there. but then, this interest is so difficult to feed, because so few writers write stuff about utopia/dystopia. and even if i do find them, i'm so afraid they are one of those modern writers who are into the idea of abstract thinking. less is more kind of line of thought. i want details, i want richness. not a book that pretends to talk about emptiness by being empty.

i'm beginning to feel like i have no direction in my reading. i spend hours browsing the shelves only to feel like i'm missing out on treasures simply because i don't know what i'm looking for at all. in the past, i actually went to bookshops with a rough idea of what i want to find.. hmm nowadays this changed and i have no idea why. maybe because the more i read, the more i start forming opinions like.. i don't like british authors HAHA. which closes off this entire branch of literature to me. oh wellll..... keep your mind open ng liting. to think i used to tick books off the booker price. haha the list is chock full of britishness my goodness.

2009-05-24T06:38:00.001+08:00

the more i read news translations, the more i think news is really just
pi and ryo_________koyama tego shige massu.

hahaha. they cannot keep being like that lohhh. ok but not like they can help it.

ANW. shit ohkura rly sings damn well. esp lives.
omg listen to his mamoritai la wth. its like super nice live.
im srs. im marrying him already!!!

2009-05-23T01:46:00.001+08:00

yah laaa xiao zhu you're good at everything laaaaaaaaaa.

hu die jie jie is damn funny. and i think she likes xiao gui more HEH HEH.
ok la im biased.

honmaaa!! bukkiri!! eito's 47

2009-05-21T02:39:00.011+08:00

Today is the day kanjani 8 returns the energy you always give us!

ahhhh i adore maru too. hahah everyone in kanjani 8 is cute omg.
if i hear this for myself during their concerts i will burst and die of happiness on the spot. except, i won't be able to understand what they're saying anw. damn.

k8 concerts always give me this homely feeling. its like so sweet. because their smiles are so genuine. like they really fought hard to be here. so they're super appreciative. and they enjoy themselves so much. this is my 5th (not counting snippets of single songs) time watching the concert and i'm still not getting tired of it. and altho i dont like ryo's voice that much, but one of the favourite parts is when ryo came out and did an acoustic version of heavenly psycho. he said its his ichiban yay ryo i love that song too. its soooo nice and his version just made me like it so much more! omg so nice. its playing as i type. i love my ryo in k8 :) he shld just quit news (joudan). oh well. and it helps that he's so handsome. HAHA
oh hahah he asked the audience to sing as he plays and he's so cute. he went ahhh kimochi! lets do it one more time! and he was so happy. mannnnnnnnnn k8 rocks pls.
and i get goosebumps hearing the audience sing. the entireeeeeeeeee tokyo dome is filled up with singing people. reminds me of the mayday conc. haha ok entirely different scale we're talking about here i know. but still its the same feeling! camaradrie!

ohkura is just too handsome. i wanna marry him man. HAHA
im so superficial.
and i love the way he laughs omg its so manly pls. HUA HUA HUA. hahahahhaha i can replay tt scene 10 times and not get tired of it. shit. he's perfect la. ok la i will marry him ok. hahahahah im going mad. its 312am and im damn awake. must be k8's fault. and im hungry too!

oh btw went for the rovers chalet thing today. the ppl are nice hahaha.. it wasnt so bad. yup.

nb:my post has no flow because its been typed out in chunks. every chunk was added on with everytime i edit hahahah.. btw its 415 now. as i type this.

omedetou!!

2009-05-20T04:13:00.003+08:00

first japanese joke i understood without translations:
what fruit does papa dislike?
ans:papaya

HAHA omg i actually understood it!! im damn smart.
atama ga ii ne. hai hai.

btw i think ohno actually is more of a person in dramas than in real life.
haha srsly until now i still cannot understand how he can be so stoned everyday. does he even think about anything at all...????? wakarimasen. kedo, ohno kun daisuki! hoho.

celebs :) ong tham lee loe lim yap and ngsss.

2009-05-18T14:16:00.005+08:00

all eight of us!
celebs has been going out like crazy hahaha damn funny.
making up for the sem.
went timbre ytd. quite fun!
ok so its ecp next right.. yay.

2009-05-16T22:44:00.003+08:00

nowadays most people employed in advertising and stuff have been uni/poly educated right... and personally, i have friends who can analyse adverts and tell me whats wrong with them and why.

it makes me wonder how bad adverts manage to get on tv.
like the new (i think its new) LG one. omg.
maybe theres some psychological thing behind the advert but haha its just weird.

waratteru yo, ohno kun!

2009-05-16T03:55:00.009+08:00

ohno can't smile...... AW.
neyo to omoimasu..... oyasumi!

2009-05-13T04:36:00.003+08:00

today i spent one whole day with matong
HAHA. lame. ok it was funnn! i guess we havent really talked for the entire sem. so this is considered catching up?
watched Revolutionary Road and oh man, its a film/book chocked full of lit stuff, and here i've been talking about lit for the past few posts, so its very appropriate.
damn depressing movie actually. while i was watching, a few lit texts (and books i read myself) i've done flashed past me. namely, Handmaid's Tale, Twelfth Night anddddd the book that i quoted on my previous post... and i few other random ones i can't really rmb.
the 'foolish wit' character particularly reminded me of a lit device. hahah..
mannn, THATS how lit it is la!
ok after that, we were in a very lowwwwwww mood. which is common for the movies that we watch (why is that so?) haha.. and then we went to eat ice cream PLS LA MATONG. i knew it you are the bane of my ban (omg i love how this sounds! alliteration ahah)

2009-05-11T20:56:00.003+08:00

Clara's hair is tied up, but a light breeze plays among the grey wisps at her temples. The strands are iridescent, for by now the clouds have all gone. It is a beautiful day.
'You know this is a dream,' Clara says.
'What do you mean?'
'You and me, together in New York?' She cuffs him playfully with the back of her hand. 'You must know I died long ago- a Jewish woman in Berlin in those days, married to a Jewish professor. In your heart you know that, yes? You know we're not really here, and it's only a dream?'
Ulrich says,
'Yes, I know.'
But he cannot leave it there,
'It's a dream, Clara, but it's not only a dream. There is far more to us than what we live.'
He speaks with unusual passion.
'Life happens in a certain place for a certain time. But there is a great surplus left over, and where will we stow it but in our dreams?' (own emphasis)
Clara stares into her lap. She says,
'Those children of yours are imaginary.'
'I have a real son, who is even more imaginary. These ones stay with me, and makes me proud.'
A butterfly alights for a time on Clara's floral dress, and then takes flight again.
'When I die,' says Ulrich, 'they will put me under the ground, when even those with eyes become blind like me. I will lie with an eternity of dreamers, breeding visions that will flicker on the surface - and the children of my daydreams will roam free.'

-Rana Dasgupta, Solo

shit

2009-05-11T04:16:00.008+08:00

there's really nothing happening in my life now.
omg life has never been this aimless.

and i'm not even enjoying it.

btw.
i was rereading my lit text (yes, believe it maybe this proves how aimless im feeling)
and really, i can truly understand what rushdie was trying to say about the power of the audience. ok, i'm not gna write an essay out of this. but omg. it hit me today as i was reading, how lit and psychology are so close to each other. how interlinked everything is.
psychology's fancy terms. and lit's flowery language.
if you look pass all of it.. there's so much.
saleem feels like he needs the approval of padma in order to write, but he finds he can go on without her.. yet the story is just lacking when she's not around. that feeling. its very identifiable. how one person changes things.. maybe in very subtle ways to the reader. but in very immense ways to the writer. shit, lit is such a beautiful thing. but its a killer when examinable. haha. very unromantic, for something so romanticised. psychology on the other hand. hmmmmmmm i don't know. i guess, like all science subjects.. you have to know alot before you can do anything.

i notice. i always start out talking abt something and end up talking about something else. its a habit thats failing me in my academics. haha. ok even i feel tired reading that chunk of words.

side note:
i've been lying on my chin for the past 2 hours without moving (i don't know what i was doing)
and now. my jaw REALLY REALLY REALLY hurts. ok 3 reallys is really not enough.
i can't open my mouth. omg.

the morning birds are chirping already (its 457am now)

i love lion king :)

2009-05-08T00:00:00.000+08:00

2009-04-28T13:33:00.001+08:00

i still remember laughing over the country Djibouti haha

2009-04-28T11:44:00.001+08:00

omg lit and sea essay results out at the same time....
believe me when i say i don't need any more of these things................
but. i cannot don't go and find out. ARGH

for 3 mths, god help me.

2009-04-26T00:34:00.002+08:00

i have decided to give up on sweet food.
sweet food. after talking to winnie abt it this afternoon. hahahaha.
for 3 mths. ok ok?
well..... ok i wont be strict. i think it won't be all in the end. but i'll try.
actually, with matong not around, it makes things easier. since she's almost always the one who i have dessert with. HAHA.

hahah noowwww. what shall i do with my leftover lollipops.

btw, did you know it was 35 degrees ytd night. yes in singapore.
i think this might be the first time omg.
the world has gone mad.

all hail!

2009-04-23T00:23:00.002+08:00

i think disney was the best thing that ever happened to the human civilisation.

you know, its funny to see how people change when there's just that bit of extra attention.
hahah interesting. i think there must be a soc psych theory for it!!!

2009-04-17T00:02:00.007+08:00

all it took was one word from my dad.
it started and couldn't stop.
after the work i've done, it will never be enough.
in the end, parents can never appreciate what they're child is going through cause they think they've been through so much. its because they've been through so much that they should be able to understand. but in the end, they really don't. they don't understand the kind of stress we understand. for all they've gone through they're simply not going through what we are facing now.

parents should never ask their children to shut up,
you want me to shut up, i can. just don't expect me to talk to you when you need me to.

why does he have to make me feel like all he can see is what i didn't do, when i know it isnt true?
there's always a time for everything daddy. smtimes the hard way isn't always the best way.

its just those

2009-04-14T00:58:00.008+08:00

today i walked home at 12am alone... it was dark cooling quiet and pretty...
and i sanggggg hahaha... sang wo ai shang rang wo fen bu gu shen de yi ge rennnnnn.......
so nice. its just simple things like that. haha i'm rly strangely happy about it.

anyway, pls wish me goodluck for the nxt few weeks.
i need to finish one whole novel by thurs, hand in 6 pg report on friday, social psych story book also by friday and the presentation which is also on friday, lit essay nxt tues, while juggling jap lessons, and studying for exams, which start on 25th.
out of which i've only started doing only 1. which is the proj, which despite all the work it needs, is only A FREAKING FIFTEEN PERCENT. thank goodness i have nice project mates that at least make it enjoyable, and i get to revisit drawing.. altho its a rather dry kind of drawing but im glad i can help la. with whatever skills i have. hahah..

btw today is finally over. the dev psych test is :/ study until wanna puke and in the end, i think 40% of the test wasnt from the txtbk. from the answers i gave, i'll do ok i think. thank god.
ah im sorry delia i rly don't think i can go out with you.. and speaking of aussie ppl, shuduan watched wicked ytd omg im damn jealous. but she bought me smthhhhhhhh!! yay.

im SO tired now. i just reached home and had dinnerr.. proj meeting online! omg i need to bathe and sleep. my stess level is peaking about right now.

2009-04-12T00:19:00.000+08:00

why do i have to study when my nose feels like its coming off?

late night indulgence

2009-04-09T01:49:00.010+08:00

sankyoudai ahahahahaha.
this episode is just hilarious i laughed until i started sweating. maybe arashi can help me lose weight!!! yahhhh.

as you can see there's nothing happening in my life worth typing about.
if something drastic happens, i will let you know.
ah, in the morning, i woke up at around 5 and was unable to sleep for about 1 hr cause it was warm. but then as 6am approached the air turned dewy and chilly and niceeeeee. it immediately reminded of the days when we woke up in the morning and emerged from our tents. that cold air and the wet grass. the sleepy dawns. and i suddenly rmb, we heard ms gwee FART in the toilet when all of us were brushing our teeth. and she came out like nothing happened. hahahahahah i swear we were totally trying our best not to laugh. when she left we BURST. classic. hahah shit i don't rmb who was there with me. there's always so many funny toilet incidents during camp. rmb all of us wanting to shit so badly at the end of camp. hahah we'll be eating lunch and ren-ing. and i rmb there was once when cheryl was constipated. in camp christine HAHA. i was standing outside ebcouraging her shit to come out. and some seniors overheard our embarassing conversation. omggg we were so silly and cute and innocent and unknowing back then. out of point, but mannnnn i miss ms gwee.

late.

2009-04-05T14:13:00.007+08:00

this is rlyyy late. its cny pictures. hahahah cause i just uploaded the stuff from my phone and yeah. anw these are just random pics.

went to look at flowers. hahaa.. the lighting was nice so i thought i'll take it. they look so cute.. like 'omg i don't wanna be in the front, my face will be HUGE! nooooo..' 'ooh i wanna be in the photo too!', 'will you GET AWAY?!' 'hey the camera can only catch half my faceeeeee!!!!!' 'oooh whats happening ah lemme see! i can't see!'

cny biscuits. and as tradition negates, this is the left over dough that has to be made into something creatve. and as with everything i do, its lopsidded.haha

gambling den HAHAHA

YUM SENG!!!!!!!!!!!! cai yuan gun gun lai ah!

----end----

i was cycling and the sun was setting. hahaha.. the phone camera couldn't capture even a small percentage of the amount of colours in the sky. oh well.

2009-04-02T00:47:00.003+08:00

it upsets me that i'm just crapping away in my essays..
but what upsets me more is that, the most crapping is done in the part where i have to write about 'what i have learnt'.

i didn't learn anything. haha the irony.
ah no its not an irony. its a paradox? ok i dunno

today has been a whirlwind of activities and i'm rly srsly dead tired.

2009-03-31T18:56:00.007+08:00

hahaha sho is so cute. the ANS director went to their 24hr tv 'press conference'.. it was all serious and stuff when he stood up and asked, whats your favourite food. hahah and sho.. he's just so calm and collected. he was like 'must we answer that now?' (with a straight face somemore, i love him la) the director insisted, so sho said.. 'shall we say it all together, ok, se no!' and yes that was what happened.
think he was trying to save time since they're supposed to be talking abt the 24hr tv thing, which is quite a serious thing since its charity (am i right haha oops).. omggg. sho. i think he can be anything he wants to be, seriously. mannnnnn i'm currently being balled over by his professionalism.

anw matsujun and sho likes the same thing. and ohno's carbonara totally reminds me of hina's pasta incident HAHA ok diana you'll be the only one who knows what i'm talking about. and aiba likes cherries which is such a girly thing to like (oooh stereotype!) ok and nino is normal as usual. hahaha

2009-03-29T20:31:00.001+08:00

i am constantly reminded of how inadequate i am.

such is life

2009-03-29T16:19:00.002+08:00

good news: my parents are coming back on thursday instead!
bad news: they're bring back more relatives with them.

omg. is singapore that exciting?
you don't see me bugging them at their home whenever i like.

anw ytd went out with half of celebs. had fun!
hahahaha earth hour was disappointing. i saw the pics of cbd just now.. and its like.. ok la got difference, but not much loh srsly.
we drank abit (yanni and i) and guess what.. when i went home... i PURPOSELY drank alot of water to flush it out of me so i can study.. cause i was soooo tired. but then. i fell asleep even before i could pee it out. HAHA. with book in hand and lights on and everything. its been a long time since i cant rmb how i fell asleep and everything. and guess what, i slept till 3 today. OMG. i slept for like 13 hours. thats damn sick. i wasted alot of time!!!!!!!!!!! ok webcasting now. bye!

procrastination time!

2009-03-22T12:36:00.012+08:00

hahahah yes my dad has been cute for a week. but then again, he's always been quite cute what. anw i will update, diana. and right, its not that my friends ignore you, its just that they don't check my blog so often mahh so they won't see your tag until sometime later (i think).. but anw shuduan don't ignore diana thanks hahaha.

ok yes, this post is lonnnnng overdue. i was resizing the pics on photobucket, when SUDDENLY my adobe flash died, so i couldn't edit anymore. but now everything is working again, andddd they're all nicely resized. and i'm feeling bored of my lit essay and i dont really feel like listening to my webcast, so here i am procrastinating! enjoy my screenshots!

first, its arashi overload.

sho is showing off his lovely muscles. hahahaha i love it when he says that his muscles are natural and he doesn't need to do anything to get them.. which i believe cause he doesn't seem to know how to use his muscles properly, if he can lose to nino the stickman in arm wrestling HAHA ok here he is going saa te~

aw ohno don't cry!!!!!!! aiba loves ohno so much, asking him not to cry. haha.. the food was so good he was touched by it. anw ytd i just found that johnnys love to play with his name hahaha.. so CUTE omg. johnnys is such a weird old man. OH NO!

as ususl, ohno's umai kore! but ok he's slanging it funnily here. argh they're adorable.

face yoga

i bet matsujun's damn sad he looked so ugly on national tv. hahah oh well. the yoga epi is priceless!

SPIRITS!!!!! i wish i could show this in movement to you guys. hahahahaha.. the disastrous laughing yoga, or smth like that. look at aiba trying his best.. bending all the way back HAH

and the little dunno what in bleach that is sho shweeeeet to ichigo. eh shit i forgot how it pronounces ichigo. is it itsygooo hahaha lame thing.

MASSU! <3 looking smart here.

and of course, if sekime wants to wash my hair, i will gladly obligeeeeee :))))))

END! ok back to essay. ah omg its impossible to write a lit essay in 1000 words...

2009-03-15T17:54:00.001+08:00

my dad is so cute.

2009-03-15T02:00:00.002+08:00

i don't wanna write the essay anymoreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee why am i being tortured like thatttttt huh you tell me. tell me plssssssssssss

yadaaaaaaaaaaaa yada yadaaaaa.................